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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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2:32 am - Best Little Whorehouse In Texas - "Sidestep"
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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12:08 pm - Stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) infinitepryde
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Inspired by Doctor Who's "Turn Left:" Pick one of my stories and tell me a point in the tale that you'd change. Something tiny (e.g. "and then Fay chose silver glitter instead of gold") or big (e.g. "and then Rose was arrested instead of Jack") and I'll tell you how that one difference would have altered the course of the entire story.
I am defining 'story' sufficiently widely to include roleplay and just about anything else anybody wants to throw in the pot, canon probably included.
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| Thursday, June 11th, 2009
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9:13 pm - The Week of the Mountain of Turds
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For those of you who do not know, my great uncle Frank passed away. They called him "Shine" and I never really knew why. Uncle Shine, Grandpa Shine, just Shine.
There was never just being "acquainted" with Shine--to know him was to consider him a good friend. He could hold a conversation with almost anyone on almost any subject. It didn't matter whether a person was 20 or 90--they'd get into a conversation with him and be instantly won over.
He was an extremely multitalented and intelligent man; he could sail, tar roofs, was pre-med at Syracuse University, was a janitor at York Central School and taught science in Mount Morris. But he was also a man defined by his vices in a lot of ways--he had a notorious love for the drink, and an equally notorious libido. He was an alcoholic. You could set your clock by what bars Shine was at.
While he was everyone's friend, his relationship with his family was complicated; he had several disagreements with his children over the years, was not speaking with his older sister when she died, and was barely speaking to his brother. (He got along well with my late grandmother to the best of my knowledge, his sister who died before I was born. For his 80th birthday, we gave him a photo of her and he wept openly.)
He was also a very, very stubborn man.
He made it to 84 before a lifetime of partying did him in. He had a massive heart attack while singing karaoke at a birthday party, and passed away early on the morning of May 8, 2009.
Hundreds attended his calling hours. The wake and after-service party were just the sort of affairs he would've hated to have missed.
He left behind three daughters and a son, and many grandchildren. And a lot of people lamenting the good times that will never spring up around him again.
Frank "Shine" Alianell
1925-2009
Goodbye, Uncle Frank. I love you. Everyone who knew you loved you.
Nobody's immortal; some people ought to be.
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| Thursday, May 7th, 2009
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12:32 am - Sabbat Mix
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Disc 1:
Alice Cooper - "Brutal Planet"
Alice Cooper - "Feed My Frankenstein"
Carpathian Forest - "Cold Murderous Music"
Carpathian Forest - "Last Sigh of Nostalgia"
Castlevania - "Bloody Tears (Piano)"
Casthevania - "Dance of Illusions"
Lacrimosa - "Crucifixio"
Lordi - "Blood Red Sandman"
Lordi - "Bringing Back the Balls to Rock"
Lordi - "Hard Rock Hallelujah"
Lustmord - "Infinite Domain"
Lustmord - "Prime"
The Minibosses - "Castlevania Medley"
White Zombie - "More Human than Human"
White Zombie - "Thunder Kiss 65"
Wumpscut - "Cannibal Anthem"
Disc 2:
Wumpscut - "Wreath of Barbs"
Nox Arcana - "Castle Dracula"
Nox Arcana - "Night of the Wolf"
Nox Arcana - "The Voyage"
Rob Zombie - "Lords of Salem"
VTM: Bloodlines OST - "Disturbed and Twisted"
VTM: Bloodlines OST - "Police Alert"
VTM: Bloodlines OST - "The Asp Hole"
VTM: Bloodlines OST - "Downtown"
Unknown - "Tzimisce Mix"
Marilyn Manson - "I Put A Spell On You"
Nina Simone - "Sinnerman"
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| Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
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12:26 pm - Meme
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Taken from joiedecombat, because I too would like to get to know my friends a little better. Answer these questions in a comment, and then post this list in your LJ (if you want).
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
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| Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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4:59 pm
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1. Drop down to 230 215-210 Lbs. before August ends.
Checked my weight this morning. 228 Lbs. Most of this is stress-induced weight loss so I'm not counting it as net benefit, but it does mean that I need to set my goals lower, so that when my mood does fully stabilize I don't go shooting right back up to 250.
That, and I'm still carrying a lot of weight around my belly, which I'd like to shed.
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| Sunday, March 8th, 2009
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10:33 pm - Self-Management: Goals
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1. Drop down to 230 Lbs. before August ends.
I don't know how feasible this one is. I don't know what my natural, healthy weight is. I don't know where I'll plateau. I don't know what will happen to my weight if I start turning fat into muscle (a secondary goal). But this is my goal. I normally float around 250; I want to change that.
How do I plan to accomplish this? By eating differently, not necessarily less. The anxiety and depression started me down that road, but not in a healthy way. I was eating less. I watched my pants get looser and looser. I need to change my diet (and only in the western world do you get *fatter* when you're poor; that's just broken), reduce how much I eat in a sitting and exercise every day. Even when I don't go to the gym, that means jogging, pushups, and situps.
I have to learn to crave exercise. I'm getting there, slowly. It feels *so good*. But how fast we forget...
2. Be able to do a set of ten full push-ups before the end of August.
See above. This is harder than it sounds, considering that I have never, ever been in shape and especially lack upper body strength (which is sad, for a 250 pound man). But if I can strike off this goal in August, I'll be seriously proud of myself.
3. Wean myself off the prozac before August.
If I can glue myself together enough that I don't need the little blue pills anymore, it'll be an accomplishment. How do I plan to do this? Fuck if I know, but I suspect it has something to do with all the other goals on this list. I'll get back to you.
4. Finish this semester with good grades.
I just bombed a test, so this one's actually got a chance of failure attached to it. Though I guess I'm still doing okay. Graduate school is HARD, and I could not have been more unprepared for it when I got here. The obvious solution? Try harder.
5. Get A Job
...Pending! I'll get back to you.
6. Get something published before the end of the year.
This one's ambitious... except when I say published I mean "anywhere." But it does lead into...
7. Get a novel published before I turn thirty.
I'm giving myself five years to do this. And this is the one I want to accomplish the most. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but fuck. I CAN DO IT.
8. Get laid before I turn twenty-six.
...Bahahahahaha. I don't even know where to begin, short of soliciting a hooker. Again--I'll get back to you.
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
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10:04 pm - Rejecting Solipsism
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I'll try and keep this concise.
Solipsism is the belief that the sensible universe, as interpreted through the lens of individual human consciousness, is really a creation of that consciousness. In effect, there is nothing but "I" or "Me." Sounds ludicrous, doesn't it?
But stop and think about it. How do you know whether there's anything beyond what's in your own head? Everything you experience is interpreted through your own personal lens. You can't see beyond it; not *really*. Your consciousness is singular, an "I."
Everyone else might as well be automata--your thoughts and perceptions are the only ones you know are real.
The trick to Solipsism is that it is a philosophy that builds itself on the limitations of human perception, while being materialist and anti-materialist.
There's a lot of argument that the basic interpretation of human consciousness IS solipsist; only that which the child directly experiences is believed to exist.
I don't necessarily think this is true. I certainly didn't believe things out of my perception didn't exist. I didn't think about them, because I didn't KNOW about them. But I never remember believing something ceased to exist just because it was outside of my sensory range.
That's a recent phenomenon, at least for me.
I think the undoing of solipsism is in the fact that so many beings express it. By expressing solipstic thoughts, we show that we are each individual consciousnesses, staring out at the world and trying to express the isolation we feel.
The adamant solipsist, of course, would counter by saying he is merely projecting solipsism onto the universe. The people who are not "I" are merely expressing something I unconsciously created.
There are some philosophical arguments that can only be effectively countered with "bull." Solipsism is one such argument.
As far as Solipsism goes for me, personally, I reject it at the intuitive level. Even when an individual consciousness ends, I think things will go on. The sun rises and sets, the world turns.
But then, the solipsist might argue, we won't be there to experience it. So does it matter?
That's existentialist, not solipsist. And THAT, my duckies, is an entirely different kettle of philosophical fish!
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| Thursday, February 19th, 2009
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3:51 pm - Meme
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By way of elsewhere7 - Describe me in one word--just one single word. Positive or negative.
- Leave your word in a comment, before looking at what words others have used.
- Copy and paste the meme to your journal to find out how people describe you when limited to one word. [Totally optional!]
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3:12 pm - Update
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I'm feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. A good sign, I guess, though there's still this... lingering pall over my thoughts.
I rented a locker at the gym. Considering that I've paid for locker-space, I'm very likely to go out of my way to use it. This is a good thing.
Still can't straighten my arms after gym/store yesterday. Feel the burn. Gym again tomorrow.
Been waxing existentialist lately: Why am I me? What is the nature of consciousness? Is anything out there real? What happens when my consciousness ceases?
These thoughts come dangerously close to putting me into another downward spiral. I'd just as well stop thinking them, for the time being.
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| Monday, February 16th, 2009
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3:35 pm - Prozac, After Pill #4
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I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.
Not... flu-ish, or even sick-ish, just full-body crappy-ish. Crawl into bed, and don't stick my head out for a few days-ish.
It's not a condition conductive to doing homework. Or being productive at all.
This sucks.
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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10:34 am - Prozac, Day 1
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Welcome to an installment of Austin's livejournal called "the first thirty days of Prozac." Where I'll chronicle anything I notice since starting the medication.
I took my first pill at 11:00 PM last night. Noticed my stomach getting grumbly before I went to sleep (at like 2). Still kind of 'grrrr', but it's not 'Ooooogh' yet.
For the first time in a LONG time, I am fairly keyed up after getting out of bed. However, this morning I am feeling really anxious. This may have something to do with the change in the weather, though.
Onward.
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| Thursday, February 5th, 2009
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7:27 pm - Some Thoughts about Depression.
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| Sunday, February 1st, 2009
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4:18 am
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I suppose this shouldn't count as my saturday post, since it's 4:18 sunday morning. Oh well.
Woke up at 10:30, was in the shower by 11. Hung out until four and did my 506 homework.
Then I helped Ting get her care packages and we went to the store, which kept us until about 8:30.
I got the last of my dishes washed, and mopped the floor in the kitchen, then Ting came over--she can hand-make sushi, which impressed me. We had a little dinner, and then stayed up till 4:00 working on a Conan character for her.
Girl knows her way around a D20 sheet, but she's meticulous.
The weather was crappy earlier, but at least it stopped snowing.
Oh. Also, I broke my X-Box 360 controller. Need to call and ask about sending it in to get it repaired/replaced. Something to do tomorrow, on top of reading.
Tired. Did better today. Had a brief flare-up of anxiety not too long ago. One week and two days until I see the doctor. Four days until I see Tanisha again.
Oh, also, for the love of God won't people get over the zombie fetish? This shit's bivouacked deep in retard territory.
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2009
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1:23 am
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Uneventful day. Got up, played around, went out and got something to eat, and visited the SARPA office.
Stopped at the Korean place, and got some miso soup (which is basically broth with green onions and tofu?) the wasabi sauce was delicious. And hot.
Then I came back here. I genned an NPC for Conan; man, it takes a long time to do a high-level NPC from scratch in D20. I wish I could find a character generator for second edition.
Brave and the Bold scene started at 10, and is still going as I write this.
I am sick and tired of this winter weather. It makes me want to scream and scream until my voice gives out. I'm tired of the cold, the snow, the slush and the crust.
I'm tired of feeling hollow and sad and tired. I'm tired of thinking about bleak things.
I'm tired of being tired.
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| Friday, January 30th, 2009
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5:58 pm - Conan RPG - The Bad Guys - Mesmira, Queen of Stygia
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Mesmira is many things. She is a potent sorceress, seductress, and mistress of disguise. She is also absolutely honorless and utterly evil.
While Mesmira is the titular Queen of Stygia, she does not rule the kingdom; she is (theoretically) subordinate to her husband, King , and (actually) to the Arch-Priests of Set, more specifically Thoth-Amon.
Mesmira's driving ambition is to possess Thoth-Amon's Ring of Set and with its power, do away with those in her way and rule over Stygia. She recognizes the obstacles in her path, but views none of them as insurmountable.
Mesmira is in a race against time. Even as she nominally does Thoth-Amon's bidding, she plots against him, the serpent-men, and the other servants of Set. If Set is allowed to escape his exile from the Outer Dark, her ambitions of absolute rule will be dashed forever. No matter what she must do, she will act to prevent this from coming to pass.
Mesmira will avoid battle as a rule. While she can fight if pressed, she prefers to leave physical battles to her henchmen. If she must fight, she will attempt to use her spells to her advantage or (more rarely) attack from range with her Stygian bow.
RP: Do whatever you have to do to get ahead. You're as black-hearted as they come and when you take revenge, you shatter lives. Use your considerable charms to your advantage. Your beauty, your ability to manipulate people without using sorcery is your greatest advantage over your many enemies. Your sorcerous skills are an advantage over everyone else.
( Mesmira, Queen of Stygia (Stygian Female, Noble 4/Temptress 6/Scholar 5) )
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12:11 am
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Got up today; had lunch with Dan. The chinese place at the student union does stir-fry to order, which is nice; however, I don't like their Lo Mein very much.
Dan and I talked about things; the party on friday I don't think I'll be going to--even if I could make out there given the weather, beer pong and douchebags isn't my thing. Along with that, we talked about a friend we both graduated from high school with.
Looks like we've all got shit to work through we've put off for far too long.
After that I came home and hung out until class. Class (Reference Src. & Services) was fun--we got a review, and then we were quizzed by the professor on hypothetical reference desk questions; the right way to answer them, along with trying to guess what the person wanted.
I find myself getting into that class. Didn't think I would.
After class, Jamie called me. Turned out she'd gotten yelled at by everyone and the kitchen sink for not going to the doctor after her car accident; my sister-in-law, Rachel, was rude to her.
My brother in law was majorly sick today. Poor guy.
Tonight, the anxiety came back in force. Starting at about midnight, I had a major resurge of the bleak, nihilistic thoughts. It seems like sudden anxiety is a predictor of the dark thoughts of a sort. It's worth noting.
The weather was gray and cold today. But the worst thing about UB after a major snow is that the walkway travel gets disgusting--everything's covered in a dirty, viscous slush.
They really need to send someone out to scrape the walks at about noon.
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2009
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1:47 pm
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Didn't post yesterday.
Morning was getting up, getting ready, and going to the counselor. Tanisha (her name) is good at what she does.
A substantial portion of our sessions are sitting in silence, while she evaluates me. Ultimately I'm the one who winds up breaking the silence, which I'm pretty sure is her tactic (which works better than I care to admit). I am doing most of the talking.
I like Tanisha. I feel like an ant under a magnifying glass, but I like her.
The rest of the day was me doing nothing. The weather was awful; snow, then snow and wind. I was going to help Ting fetch some care packages she'd been sent, but she decided she didn't want to venture out to get them.
Made a frozen pizza last night. I doctored it with some mushrooms and a green pepper. It was good! The problem with making frozen pizzas is that before I realize what I'm doing, I've eaten the whole thing.
Tanisha's got me doing some confidence-building exercises. Every day when I get up, I need to look myself in the eye in the mirror for at least fifteen seconds and say "I, Austin, care about the person who is staring back at me."
Before I go to bed, I have to write down five things I like about myself that day, even if they're ridiculous. It proved difficult, but it did help me sleep.
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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11:55 pm
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So many of my days seem to be "get up, do nothing for four hours, go to class." It really bothers me. So many people seem to be able to pack their days full. I can't.
I lack the ability, or the energy, or something, these days. I don't know. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. No matter what I do, I come back to this: wasted days, and wasted nights.
Today I got up, played around on my X-Box a little bit, ate lunch and went to class. Class was sitting in the same room from 5:00 to 10:00.
Before class, I grabbed a chai berry infusion from Starbucks. I did not like it. It was... ugh. Milky and berry-flavored and spicy... too much.
Class was both interesting and boring. I'm definately not in the right mindset for lectures. We were taught about a 24/7 reference service where a librarians across the state are on call to help you hunt up information. That was very cool.
After that, I grabbed some dinner. I now know to avoid the pizza place at the Commons. What utter crap. It was like something you'd get at the fair (and I have found some awesome pizza places at fairs). The soup was bland, the pizza was bland, and they were both overpriced.
It's cold in Buffalo, still. I'm getting really sick of the cold, and the crusty snow, and the sun setting at 5:30.
Still running into things, seeing things, reading things that bother me. Is it selfish to tell the world to STFU for a couple of days, so I can pull my head together?
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11:46 am
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Oops. Been trying to write in my journal a little bit every day.
Yesterday I pretty much hung out. I made scrambled eggs with rice and a little bit of the stir-fry I made, which was really good. Then I finished an assigned book and hung out until class.
Class was what class always is, which is both interesting and dishwater dull at the same time. The depression's been giving me concentration problems, see. Lots of library history at this point. In every single course. Given that I specifically took library history, this is somewhat... arrrgh.
After that, Ting came over (to borrow said book) and hadn't eaten, so I made the egg dish for her. Or rather, I put it in the pan and she cooked it -- she let the eggs get a little overdone, heh.
Class finished at about ten, we hung out for about an hour, and then I sat up on the computer until 2. I still feel like I'm frittering away days. I don't seem to come alive until about 6 and that's just too late. :(
Why does the most "real" time for me have to be when my head's about to hit the pillow?
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